This is probably the longest post I have ever written for my blog. To have two bones broken at such a crucial point in my life changes alot of things.

Longboarding – the joy of it

Haze, I ask you to fall when you play longboard. But I didn’t mean to ask you to fall so hard. – Johnny

I have been in and out of hobbies, some were dropped and some stayed. Being a person that is easily influenced by others, I find it difficult to maintain a hobby if I do not have company and friends who enjoy it.

Since young, I have been extremely bad in any sort of sports game. I did surprisingly well in athletics though. I couldn’t dance, play any sort of ball game, balancing games or martial arts. It was exasperating and it remained only a dream where I can do those things.

I started longboarding a month ago. I bought a Joel Tudor Sector 9 board, KY got me some guards and I got myself a skater’s shoe. To my surprise, I fell in love with longboarding. It felt so free, like I am flying. It made me so happy.

Most of all, I wanted to be able to do those things that I couldn’t have done before. I have always been afraid of people laughing at me cuz I missed the ball, fell down or lost my balance. I wanted to be able to do those things and not afraid of sports or my body rebelling against my coordination.

One of my earliest injuries.

I didn’t want any photos of me longboarding to be public yet, so I didn’t take any. I wasn’t any good yet, you see. All I have is injuries, injuries after injuries. KY and Johnny went mountain biking together soon and life was really perfect for a while.

A sprain the week before.

I longboarded less than 5 times and fell each time. A week before I fractured my leg, I had a sprain on both my knees. I sorta fell on a forced split on the board. Lol. It was painful and my ear got muted for a minute or so after.

How it happened

You played less than 5 times, you fell each time. Sprained once and broken 2 bones. Do you still think that if you continued to play, nothing will happen next time? – KY

It happened in Putrajaya Challenge Park. KY, Johnny and 2 of our friends were biking and I was skating alone. I wasn’t actually alone, there were plenty of skaters. I did some warm up and I wanted to go back to the bowl that I was tackling the week before. I was already successful last week and just wanted to do it again.

The first and hopefully, not the last photo of me in my gear. I was actually in great pain. Lol. All the things around are stuff the skaters put to make me feel more comfortable.

Due to the fact that I haven’t fall down that often since 10 years ago, my reactions were weak and I landed in the wrong spot. Imagine holding a bunch of pasta and then you twist it, then slap both ends together. That’s what happened to my ankle. It twisted and my whole body weight slammed into it.

A bit of a protruded bump.

When it happened, I was stunned awhile and I realized I couldn’t move my leg. And the the pain hits. I screamed so loud that I forgot all about embarrassing myself. The skaters came and reassured me. They called for ambulance and got me my phone. They made me comfortable and removed all my shoes and socks.

I was screaming and screaming then. It is not the kind of pain that would make a person cry. It is the kind of pain that made your vision blur and shake everything around you. I was really lucky that the skaters and everyone around me were joking, taking pictures and videos. I was in pain but I wasn’t unhappy.

Everyone was telling me its just a sprain. a dislocation. Ok fine. Just pop it back in and it will be ok. Ya Ya.

Soon after, KY and Johnny came. Then the ambulance came.

Fucker. Kill him.

This fucker. I hate ambulances. They came, forced me on the stretcher I was wailing and wailing. As I was in the ambulance, some skater outside screamed, “Are you still gonna skate??!”

“YeahhH!!” I screamed back.

Then some random dude screamed, “See you in a month’s time!!!”

In the stretcher. I hate ambulances

In the ambulance, I come to know the definition of pain. KY was in there with me trying to absorb the shock on my leg. BECAUSE THE FUCKING AMBULANCE DROVE RECKLESSLY!

I AM NOT DYING. It’s not a life threatening situation! You don’t have to drive like F1 and fly through bumps and corners when it makes me so fucking painful. My vision was blurring and I was on the verge of losing consciousness. I had to hold the stretcher with my hands to prevent my body from moving. That or let my ankle be flung around. tiu.

2 broken bones.

At the Hospital Putrajaya, I was greeted with the ceiling. Ceilings and more ceilings. I was brought to the x-ray department and various personnel reprimanded me for screaming. I was angry now, no one wants to be in pain or scream and make a fool of themselves. I wanted to murder the fucking bastard that pinched my leg and dropped it on the stretcher.

X-ray was impossibly painful. I had to turn my leg for front view, side views. Fuck.

When it was done, a nice doctor(finally!) came and told us the bad news. It is not a sprain or dislocation. Both my bones were broken. The big one with a slice through it, and the smaller one with a pyramid chunk shattered.

Ready for operation. Not quite!

He said that they will need to put in metal plates and screws in my leg and I will need to wear a cast for 6 weeks. That is complete bullshit. They didn’t account for 3 months of physiotheraphy. I wouldn’t be able to walk for 3 months.

The Operation

ya lo + u are clumsy prone leh…..dont play anymore la ok pls… – Kimberly

“Cuz my situation is not life threatening…”, they are gonna perform the surgery on me the next morning. I couldn’t sleep the whole night with the impending surgery. At this point, without anyone around me, no jokes or laughter.. I was starting to fear for myself and all the trouble that I will cause others around me.

Done. I feel nothing.

Just before the surgery, they suddenly realized I had nail polish on and had to remove the nail polish. When I was in the operation room, I had an encounter with the epitome of a bastard doctor who is unprofessional and downright rude.

They placed the drip on me and covered that arm up with the blanket. A nurse accidentally snagged on it, I gave a little shout in surprise and pain. The bastard doctor goes “Eh, kenapa kau jerit? Tak manis tau.”

This is the second time someone said that to me in the hospital. I am really angry now but what could I say to a doctor who might operate on me?

He repeated that sentence again and again while I glared at him. I told him, “It’s a reaction from pain.”

He looked at me, like stunned a while and then said. “Kalau sakit, jangan jerit. Tak boleh jerit. Kalau sakit, kau cakap “Maaf, saya sakit””

Hello? if you are in pain, can you actually make a conscious effort to say that? Especially when you are caught by surprise and the pain isn’t something you can pretend that it isn’t there.

He then went on to bash one of the freshies or interns, I dunno. Dissing their work ethics and belittling them.

Then he looked at my file and said,“Why does she have hep B? God don’t just give people hep B.”

Wow. thanks for making me feel better and not making me feel like I am about to die in 3 months time. I want to go home, that’s what I thought.

Hospital stay

When I heal I want to do the lotus flower dance. #radiohead – Haze

Under morphine. It beats smoking.

After the operation, I was given morphine. You know, it is a frustration. When you are a girl who doesn’t usually make a sound when you are in pain. And when you are finally in pain and scream and made a show of being in pain, no one takes you seriously.

Oh, its just a dislocation, a sprain. Maaf, saya sakit. Fuck that shit. 2 broken bones and a morphine administration. Now tell me whether I am pretending to be in pain or whether I am pretending I am not in pain.

Just because I am smiling and laughing does not reflect how much pain I was in. It just means I am happy, cuz there are people who are there for me.

All the metals and screws in me. I am a cyborg!

Soon, another x-ray came. This is all the metals and screws that are set in me. I myself, did not realize how serious it was until I saw this cuz I did not see the xray with just my bones in it previously.

KY and Vinn is there for me. πŸ™‚

Eventhough the hospital is far away, my friends came to visit me. KY was there every day from early morning til I fall asleep at night. My mom came to visit me too. I was in the hospital for 4 days and 5 nights. The nights are unbearable, the hospital service is horrid and all I say everyday is, “I want to go home”. But the people that came to be with me everyday made it bearable.

Learning how to use the crutches.

Before I could be released, I need to learn how to walk on crutches. I went thru the whole thing effortlessly, at least I pretended to since I want to go home so bad. After the session, where I learn how to balance and walk I stumbled back to bed once the doctor left.

I didn’t walk until the next day cuz I was so tired and my leg was hurting from the exercise. What happened is my leg is swollen and needs to be elevated to reduce the swelling(doctor din tell me that, it’s from Google) and once I get up straight, the blood rush down and it hurts really bad.

Then there is the wounds and throbbing from the surgery. I had to use the bed pan when I want to urine, let’s not talk about shitting. After the session, I could walk to the toilet though but it was a very difficult task then. Especially since I was wearing XXL patient’s clothings and it kept falling off.

Checking if I can go home.

One day before I got discharged, a bunch of doctors checked my progress by taking everything off. This was the first time I saw my wounds and I was shocked. So much blood. My leg was swollen like a pig.

What is this??!!

When the doctors saw the wound, it was their turn to be shocked. “Siapa buat stitches ni? Tight sangat laa”. Apparently the surgeon who did the stitches did it so tight that it is hindering my healing process.

They exclaimed a few more times and said I cannot go home. Then left my leg on this blue cloth for an hour with all the blood dripping. A bunch of students came and bandaged me up, giving me alot of pain with their lack of experience.

So much for my first operation, first stay at the hospital. Bad experience, I just want to go home instead of being treated like this. It is so miserable to have people reminding you again and again that it is your fault, it is not my problem if you die, its just a broken leg, why are you screaming.. damn it all.

I want to go home!

That night, I slept in a very uncomfortable position after googling on how to eliminate the swelling. I elevated my leg and placed ice on it. I want it to stop swelling so that I can go home. And in the morning, I made KY change my clothes, I was tired of wearing XXL patient’s clothing already.

I can go home! Finally!

Finally, I was allowed to go home. It has been a very difficult time for KY and me, both of us are at our limits and we decided that we will break out if I am not allowed to go home on that day anyway. Β It was difficult getting in to the Satria but I miss home and I was convinced that I will be happier at home.

Back Home

When you have a fracture, everyone asks the same thing, “So now when you pass the security gate in airports, it’s gonna beep?” – Douglas

My first meal at home with Cendawan.

I had my first meal at home and finally get to see Cendawan. I was really happy to be back home.

At home, a whole new set of challenges welcomed me. The toilet was too far and using the walker for 100 metres tire me already. It is using arm strength to lift my body each step and hopping on one leg. Soon my good leg’s knee hurts from supporting my body’s weight.

We tried to have a shower and decided that it was too much work and too tiring for both of us. As each day goes by, I feel more and more helpless and useless. KY was doing everything for me, all I do is sit on the sofa everyday and watch TV or work on my Mac. The worst of all is realizing all these without the energy or capability to do anything about it.

This must be how my dad felt when he was bed-ridden. I do not believe that “things happened for a reason”. I believe in “since it happened, might as well learn from this”. Each day, I go through different stages and I understand things I couldn’t have understand a year ago.

Getting my hair washed at the saloon.

My hair was itching a week after my shower and Vinn helpfully suggested the saloon. Picking a saloon, clinic or restaurant now has an added requirement. It must not have a staircase or at least, alot of steps in it. Can’t hop up on one leg. lol.

The car has to be parked right in front of wherever we are going, just 20 metres extra will tire me greatly. Talk about being weak.

Eating at the saloon. lol.

That is why, we ended up eating at the saloon. :p Look at my awesome walker btw. Vinn loaned it to me. I have made some improvements to it by adding a bag so that I can carry things around. I intend to put a canvas stretched across it so I could elevate my leg as well but it’s not like I can do that now. hehe

Post-operation sessions

Omg, you are “screwed”? – Ringo

Back for an x-ray

We went back to the hospital all the way in Putrajaya for a check up. I was abit nervous since I was naughty a few times and removed my half-cast due to itchiness or tightness. I was afraid that the alignment of my bones would run.

I was told that it was all good and I had some questions answered as well. My leg will be swollen for another month, pain will end then too. After that I will need to come back for another session and then begin my physiotheraphy. That would take 3 months or less, depending on my progress.

Train tracks. Choo Choo.

On the 14th day after my surgery, I went to the clinic to remove my stitches. As usual, I found out that I need to remove my sutures from this clinic instead of the hospital. The hospital really do not want to let me know anything?

When the young doctor revealed my wounds, he did a face palm and went, “OMG so many stitches”.

"So many stitches..omg"

He removed the stitches one by one. It wasn’t painful since it is all bengkak and I had to hear it all again, “The stitches are too tight…” bla bla.. It’s a miracle it did not burst bla bla..

Tight sutures made the scar really ugly.

Due to the way my stitches were done, I will have train tracks scars after this whole ordeal. Finally a cyborg. I don’t really hate scars since I have plenty of them, in and out. Even so, this is slightly extreme, don’t you think? lol.

Averaging misery. :p

In a month’s time, my cast will come off. And after that, I will have physio. Til then, I’ll be exploring inches of my sofa at home everyday. This whole ordeal made me see what I couldn’t see before. I am very grateful to KY for being there for me and helping me get up on stairs, going to the toilet, cooking for me. He has done everything he could and more.

Everyday he come at 9 with food and stayed with me in the hospital til 11 pm. At home, he cooked and bought me extra channels on Astro! Everything that I could not do, he did them for me.

Limbs are important.

Going through this experience, I realize how efficient our bodies are. To miss one limb or organ would mean that the rest of the body have to work extra hard to compensate. My arms are sore from using the walker and my other knee is hurting from my body weight. My bad heel are peeling cuz the cast is badly shaped.

To make things worse, sometimes it require more than the rest of the body to compensate. Sometimes, you need the help of others to live your life and I guess that is the most difficult part to handle.

For me, I am not afraid of falling down or injuries but I am still afraid of losing my balance and my control. I have told KY that I will give up longboarding, though I still love it.

Snippet from The Karate Kid 2010
Mr. Han Just tell me, Shao Dre. Why?
Why you need to go back out there so badly?
Dre Because I’m still scared.
No matter what happens tonightΒ when I leave…
…I don’t want to be scared anymore.