Wow. I went hiatus for a week. I have 28 emails of work jobs pending. 12 jobs pending. Dad’s health breaking. Relationship ended. Another chaos has begun. I wish to announce that I fixed every one of them, but I haven’t.
I have started to fully accept the full gravity of my dad’s condition. His stomach is bloated badly now. He is 48 kg and dropping. He is not eating well and can no longer shower on his own. I spent hours talking to him, discussing bout the future without him in it.
I have to sell off the Toyota Unser and my Kancil to get another vehicle that is under my ownership. All the other houses are not gonna be mine. The 2 cars is all I get plus some other stuff that my biological mother left me. Preparing for death and orphanage at 24 years old is a scary thing. The scariest thing was having so much pain and depression inside me that just would not flow out in tears but I managed to break down and cry. It felt so good.
My only regret is that he will not see me succeed or be there when I get married. I wish I could speed up and succeed and make him proud too. Getting married is well, the last thing on my mind.
So, at 24 years old, I am gonna start contributing to my family of a stepmom and 2 kids. It feels good to be responsible, to be wanted and still be called family in times like this.
In the middle of that chaos, another one began. A full catalog of emotions rush thru me when it happened, both good and bad. The perfect bubble finally bursted and I was thrown into chaos once again. Privacy issues aside, the scene resembles a chaotic mess where people are exploding left and right. Cars exploding and buildings falling down. You could only run to save your life then in the midst of all the fire and adrenaline rush, you see someone there standing so still and calm with an eerie beauty that is almost ethereal. All you could do is just be transfixed and look at the being. The chaos is second priority while you just stand there and slowly die in the beautiful hypnosis.
That’s when I realize the creature live in another chaotic world of its own that its magnitude is incomprehensible to my small mind. 🙂
How much could happened in a week huh? There’s more.
Yesterday, a stranger turned up in my room and I screamed. When I got closer, I realized it was someone I knew. He used to be mine but I fed him so much hate and pain that he became something else entirely. It was incredibly wretched to realize that you have created this creature out of someone you used to deem perfect, that when you try to offer a touch of comfort, he recoils and retreats back into his cocoon of fear.
I slept. I woke up. It’s Monday now. It took so much to shake me back into perspective. I know now I am not a picture-perfect lady, in fact I am just another broken adult with many corpses I killed pulling me.
I am healing though. I wanna be good and never be in chaos again. 🙂