Death is one thing that is not uncommon to me. I was there when my mom slowly declined to a suicidal stage. Now, it’s my dad.
4 months ago, he would sometimes walk into my room and tell me about the ghosts that is in the room with him. I told him it’s all in the head and it’s ridiculous. I wanted him to fight on. He would sometimes snatch my smokes eventhough he quit and smoke outside in the balcony wondering why no one give a fuck about him.
3 months ago, he could no longer walk without the aid of the railings of the staircase. He could not sleep at night anymore. Sometimes in the wee hours of the night, I see him sitting at the staircase crying and would just ask me to leave him be. He was still going thru chemotherapy and was convinced it is going to help him. He started reading the bible and listening to worship songs.
2 months ago, he stopped chemotherapy after Randolph educated us on the issue. We started to read, alot. He started to give up but I was still fighting. He could no longer breathe without feeling pain. I met Ruby for a design job and somehow the conversation strayed to cancer. I realized I was being selfish, forcing him to fight.
Then I started to break. Sometimes when I drive, there were burst of tears sometimes I am just choking on dry pain but there were never any long flow of release. His happiest moment was when he was in the living room on the couch, with all of us siblings and his wife together in the room.
1 month ago, my mom and I started to plan. He was still conscious. We discussed about inheritance, settled all the papers. bank accounts. I inherited my kancil and my dad’s car. I sold them for a Satria Neo CPS 1.6 Manual Tranmision car. Investments, funds and insurance were terminated, split and transfered. Assets too.
My dad’s stomach began to look huge. 7 months pregnancy huge. He no longer have any appetite to eat. His leg is bloated. Skin yellowish. Signs of death were showing. He decided to remove the fluid from his stomach.
We went to Gleneagle’s hospital for that. The doctor is a fucking pompous idiot who ‘wrote 88 essays on cancer’ and have been ‘doing this for 31 years’. He claimed that he can ‘free you from pain in 3 days, 50% less tomorrow’. I snapped. The doctor explained that he is offering morphine and palliative care for my dad.
My dad froze in fear. The dreaded words came, the dreaded words that meant he is going to leave this world and not be in it anymore. We had a discussion outside the hospital. It was the last conscious discussion and conversation my mom and I had with my dad. He asked if we are going to support him and extended out 2 hands. We took each of it and said yes. 3 of us in such a strange relationship. He had to muster all his strength to speak then. We decided to not go for the morphine.
While he was at the hospital, I was withdrawing. People started to come to visit. Lots of them. Friends, family, relatives, colleagues, enemies. He could no longer speak under the drug’s effect. He is hallucinating, confused and mute. His body is a skeleton wrapped with a slight hint of skin. His stomach heaved in and out heavily when he breathed. His skin felt cold. He could no longer wake up in the morning. I did not visit until the 4th day.
I was horrified at the rate he is dissolving. He couldn’t comprehend a whole chunk of vocabulary and could not form sentences or words. His brain is failing. He only ate a few spoons of gruel each day with a few drops of water. His stomach could not longer process the food. I called his only family in Singapore and was shocked at their non-commital and cruel response, I punched the wall in fury and hurt my knuckles. David came in and told me that even if I had to pretend to cry and beg I had to do it. I did it and it broke me.
He was discharged a few days later back to home based on his request. Back at home, my mom took care of him, aunts and friends came over to stay and she keep sane that way. For me, I kept escaping with friends outside. It was another kind of hell back home, people talk and gossip alot. Family issues became debates and we were given advice and all sorts of instructions on how to take care of my dad by people who doesn’t really give 2 fucks about him. People just keep coming and talking all I want is just to withdraw into solitude.
By the time the drama is over, my dad regained his consciousness and intelligence when he is off the drugs and medicine. My mom kept him well nourished with 4 kinds of supplements and he managed to snap back to reality.
By that time, my mom hasn’t slept well in 2 weeks and I had to take care of my dad at night til dawn, meaning my sleeping time switched back to day again. The three of us talked alot and there were alot of anger in my mom and I. We just did not have the room for forgiveness or love. His sins to us is far too great as a man, husband and a father.
I had already moved on and was annoyed at my mom for prolonging his life when she is out of paid leave and her job is in jeopardy. Mine too, and what about the kids? He just refused to give up and kept on fighting without a reason to live. He did not care about the family’s sufferings. I was furious beyond sanity, 2nd broken family now. It was these 2 days of his consciousness that he said his last words to me. He told me how much he loved me, how proud he is and how much he wanted to recover. But not a word of apology.
He had trouble breathing when he sit up and he diagnosed himself as lack of oxygen. He asked for an oxygen tank. My mom rented one, it was very expensive and obviously, it wasn’t even used not even once. Money kept flowing out. His very last words were to tell me he is going to be admitted the next day and I just replied that I knew. That was it. Not very romantic isn’t it?
He was admitted to hospital again to check his breathing problem. We know his sanity ends here, he is on drugs again and this time the effect is very bad. He was moaning and groaning every 5 seconds and talking to his hallucinations.
All the patients in the room moved out. It drove my mom near to insanity, I lost mine. I had wanted to scream, kill him and myself, throw fits of outbursts. It was a hell that my mom and I had to go thru for the sins he did. The deadly question “Why” kept popping up and it seemed so unfair. I wished that he would just leave so that my mom and I can keep our sanity.
Today at 5.25 am, my mom called me from the hospital and told me that he is on oxygen support, I need to go there immediately to see his last few moments. At 5.30 am, she called and said he died. I rushed there and the blanket was over his body already. I lifted it and his whole body and face were not ash grey but a strong yellow colour.
Right now, I am sitting outside the room waiting for the cleaning up to be finished. His life ended, I’ll begin mine as an individual. I lost both parents to death and I do not know if I will ever find the courage to open up my heart and love someone again, be it my husband or children fearing they will also just die out on me. I’ll probably just detach myself from people so I won’t be in this familiar pain again.
I like to express gratitude to the folllowing people, if I missed you please do not take it to heart cuz I am writing this to people who might read this.
Thank you David for coming everyday to see my dad despite our break up, thanks for listening and going thru my family’s pain and my hell. You will never be an outsider to us.
To Celine, Vinn and Kevin, Ian, Johnny, Carrot, Ivan, Pearl and Kim : thanks for coming to visit and give support. I managed to weather out the nights cuz you guys came and gave some sunshine into my house. It made life bearable.
Porkgang members, KY, Kim, G, Ring and especially Ruby. Thanks for helping me escape to Genting. I was near insanity and it healed a big portion of me and made me undeservingly happy everytime I m with you guys.
To Randolph, thanks for the education and the support. It has shed new light on the medical forefront in terms of the pharmaceutical industry. To twitterers, readers and facebookers. Thanks for ur support and condolences.
Perhaps this shouldn’t be here but I guess it’s an exception this time. Thanks Snecx for the food, debates and the countless escapes. And the driving lessons. You are still my best friend.
It’s a new life ahead.
Location:Jalan AU 2a/13,Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia
My condolences and please get some rest.
Your friends are wonderful, please don’t keep anything to yourself anymore.
thank you.. sorry for not replying.. 🙂 finally got the strength to see this post again..
sorry to hear that. be strong 🙁
You are incredibly brave and I’m sure you will get through this stronger than before. Deepest condolences to you and your family.
Best regards to David too.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Be strong, girl.
I’m really sorry to hear that you have to went through all these…
No words can express your sad feelings and mine to you. I just wish that you’ll eventually feel better and your friends will always be with you, be it in real life or in cyber world.
Take care and stay strong babe!
i miss you too… be happy!!!
I totally understand how u feel. As i lost both my parents too. Dont worry, you have loads of friends around to always be there for you. BE strong. 🙂
Thank you for the kind words. I was astounded every day at the wake when so many of my friends came. I feel so underserving that all my friends were just there waiting for hours for me to finish prayers and they supported me all the way thru.
Everytime I lost myself you guys were all there to pick me back up again. Some friends put aside their differences to be there for me. There is just no words adequate and strong enough to express my gratitude.
I’ve been reading your blog every now and then but never commented.
This is the most straight from the heart, honest-to-god post I’ve ever read anywhere.
My deepest condolences for your loss. Often times, the stronger a person is, the more she is taken advantage of. Often, when we know we are strong, we feel the responsibility to carry a heavier share of the burden. I hope that you now learn to be “selfish”, that you learn that you must always put yourself first because no one else will. Remember the safety procedure we learn on flights? “Always attend to yourself before helping others”. I’ve made that my motto in life.
I hope you take time to grieve, to be pissed, to introspect and to reconcile within yourself. That’s the most important thing. Who cares about what others say? They’re not you. Only you are in charge of you. And I hope that one day you find that you learn to trust and love again. I’m still in that search and I don’t know if I will ever find it.
I wish you strength and peace.
I agree with you that most of the times, our strength and empathy are always taken granted and advantage off. but I do realized that for me, I always collect burdens to be responsible off : thinking they are trophies and the puzzle in the mess is just irresistable.
and I do have a way of putting everyone else high up on the pedestal and leave myself on the ground as low and as useless as the dirt.
I changed the past week. New life 🙂
i feel good now 🙂 i hope that you will heal too in time. I was in fear of attachment, fear to fall and most of all, fear to love.
I have not healed yet and I still do not see where I stand in the future. and with whom.
Thank you Isabel, I must confess I am not happy I ranted in my blog. In my perception, I see ranting about family background as ‘forcing people to accept that my past is the worst and the most traumatized’. Ever since i hated it, I tried not to do it. Everyone has a past and trauma is defined by our strength.
Thank you again. I read your comment a week ago and was lifted out of depression when I read it. If we do ever meet, i’ll buy you a drink. 🙂
my dear… i don’t know what to say… we never talk much backthen in campus too… i’m sorry…
be strong, i know we all lead a busy life… but when there are nights that u need some friends to laugh or cry along, ring vinn, i will be there.
love u… just wanna tell u that.
Thanks. you are not alone too 🙂
I’ve been a silent admirer of you and your work, but never commented before.
I am so so sorry for your loss, and all the grief you’ve endured. Having lost many to death myself, I can completely understand and imagine what it must be like for you. I am truly sorry.
It’s easy to say “stay strong, things will get better, etc” when in reality it is that much harder to actually do and believe in such things when life snatches away people from you….so really I just want to wish you lots of fortitude and courage to move through the days of your life, cause only time and love truly heals eventually, and nothing much else.
Take care babe.
I believe that the deaths is just beginning as we are reaching the age where people around us are getting old and sick. All I can do is stop smoking, be healthy and make myself as good as possible to prevent it from happening.
I wish you a long and healthy life. 🙂
Ah damn…. that ‘C’ disease. Vitamin D3… high doses… maybe too late for him, not for you.
Randolph’s done his homework about the medical mafia.
yeh he did. i m grateful to him.
Oh my…I was done with my stuffs & as usual, hopping into a few blogs. I couldn’t help noticing this emo blog title & I started reading it. Okayy…now I get what you were trying to say about breakup & funeral earlier. I’m so deeply sorry to hear of what has happened but obviously, you probably would have heard the same thing from others thousands of times. It must have been really challenging & tough to have gone thru all of these unwanted happenings. On a brighter note, hey..the journey to success is almost at the grasp of your hand & you know you’re awesome! All the best! :-*
you are awesome too!!! bygones be bygones.. happiness and success here I come. hello world.
Found your site thru Randolph, whom I met under similar circumstances with you. I’m sorry for the pain and grief that you & your mum have gone through. Please accept my sympathy and condolence on your dad passing. I wish your strength and fortitude to face life with patience and wisdom. You are in my thoughts.
Hey Charles. Thanks for your wishes. I m doing well. I wish you luck an peace with your condition as well. 🙂