There are many strings that holds us in life. Just like a pendulum, there is one for your mother, one for your father, some of your closest friends n partners. Like all of you, my pendulum was connected as well.
I lost one string when my mother passed away at an early age and recently I lost my dads. It was a pretty strong and significant string. He had expectations of me to be successful in his own definition, to be responsible in family matters and many more.
I also had a few being held by some of my friends, despite the fact that they are not very close to me at all. And also one by my ex, who was quite grounded and conservative. He keeps me in check so that I will not stray too far.
Some of those strings were severed by me. Mostly due to my wrong doings and decisions. Strings severed in guilt are the hardest to let go.
Lately I have been free from all strings and hang like a ball in midair. I no longer need to react to the strings by following their needs or rebelling against them. Now it’s as though I am free but with a cost. I feel so lost without any guidance, support and any need to compromise with others. I don’t have to rebel anymore.
I used to feel afraid of doing wrong, fearing punishments and consequences. However, now I lament the fact that there is no punishment when I am wrong. Without punishment the guilt stays and I remain unforgiven by myself.
There is one question that haunts me everyday.
Am I doing things right?
The main definition of “right” is when actions are approved by others dear to you. Like going to university is correct and getting employed is correct. Spending time with family is deemed an extra plus.
To me, without any approval the definition of what is correct is only judged by me and me alone. When there is no one left, I equate doings things right with doing things that made me happy. In return I became very hedonistic and present-oriented.
I work, laze n play when I want to, spend time with people who are dear to me and block out everything else that I do not like. Any moment I feel like raging, laughing or crying I did it on the spot. And those moments do embarrass myself to the point where it disturbs me deeply.
When someone feel like this, I guess they seek guidance through religion. That is not the way I would prefer but it seems like I m slowly traveling towards that way despite what I want.
I feel that a part of me died when I left cheras and my old life. Now I m just an empty shell of guilt and disappointment with no aim for the future. I could have never envision myself not working and just staying at home before but now it does not seem like a bad thing to me.
Here’s to hoping I get ripped apart and all the negativity will leave me. Cuz I believe all the rest of the problems will sort itself out once that is done.