There are many strings that holds us in life. Just like a pendulum, there is one for your mother, one for your father, some of your closest friends n partners. Like all of you, my pendulum was connected as well.
I lost one string when my mother passed away at an early age and recently I lost my dads. It was a pretty strong and significant string. He had expectations of me to be successful in his own definition, to be responsible in family matters and many more.
I also had a few being held by some of my friends, despite the fact that they are not very close to me at all. And also one by my ex, who was quite grounded and conservative. He keeps me in check so that I will not stray too far.
Some of those strings were severed by me. Mostly due to my wrong doings and decisions. Strings severed in guilt are the hardest to let go.
Lately I have been free from all strings and hang like a ball in midair. I no longer need to react to the strings by following their needs or rebelling against them. Now it’s as though I am free but with a cost. I feel so lost without any guidance, support and any need to compromise with others. I don’t have to rebel anymore.
I used to feel afraid of doing wrong, fearing punishments and consequences. However, now I lament the fact that there is no punishment when I am wrong. Without punishment the guilt stays and I remain unforgiven by myself.
There is one question that haunts me everyday.
Am I doing things right?
The main definition of “right” is when actions are approved by others dear to you. Like going to university is correct and getting employed is correct. Spending time with family is deemed an extra plus.
To me, without any approval the definition of what is correct is only judged by me and me alone. When there is no one left, I equate doings things right with doing things that made me happy. In return I became very hedonistic and present-oriented.
I work, laze n play when I want to, spend time with people who are dear to me and block out everything else that I do not like. Any moment I feel like raging, laughing or crying I did it on the spot. And those moments do embarrass myself to the point where it disturbs me deeply.
When someone feel like this, I guess they seek guidance through religion. That is not the way I would prefer but it seems like I m slowly traveling towards that way despite what I want.
I feel that a part of me died when I left cheras and my old life. Now I m just an empty shell of guilt and disappointment with no aim for the future. I could have never envision myself not working and just staying at home before but now it does not seem like a bad thing to me.
Here’s to hoping I get ripped apart and all the negativity will leave me. Cuz I believe all the rest of the problems will sort itself out once that is done.
a part dies and another part begins. there’s always a silver lining, you just need to find it.
i think you are refering to yourself. issit.
I feel what you are feeling. In fact, I don’t have the answer too. But I guess there will be a limit where somehow, somewhat you get the hang of new beginnings as long as you don’t give up.
Just stay strong!
PS: Not sure you understand what I meant but hope you do. Wish you well always.
Yes we will all be cockroaches and live in every situation imaginable.
Your reflection of decisions past both wise and unwise is similar to what nearly everyone encounters in life.
Wheter our choices are good or not good can determine whether one did the right thing.
More important is whether you did something good or evil.
After certian events one often thinks that we hurt the other person. When we choose the evil path we can indeed inflick physical or emotional harm.
When one changes a life path and others wish you to remain where you are, that is different. Not everyone changes at the same pace, or can make the same change.
How much good one does, and how much one can love others in our short lives determines which side of the pendulum swing our life ends on.
it’s nice to know that I am not alone in this. the sad thing is to outgrown others or to be overtaken and not be on the same path anymore. Just the stubborn little girl in me denying reality. but I guess like you said, one has to live in reality and make new strings. 🙂
Perhaps sometimes we don’t see things that really benefits us. I dreamed a life of self-employed work and freedom, as in nobody will care where have you been, no curfews, no need to ask for permission for whatever I do, and financial freedom. These things. I always looked up to you even if you didn’t know, I admire you, independence, honesty, striving for the best, learning new things.
I grew up in restrictions. Over-protective parents; traditional, reserved and rather conservative family, I can’t say I’m very close to them, they are dear to me, but I’m always seeking for an emotional support. I’m the odd one out in the family, I’m not very rebellious but I’m considered as rebellious in a way in my family, because I can only rebel in a small way to break free from their chains a little at a time.
What you mention about religion, was probably because people eventually grew tired of material stuffs. There will be a stage where people start to seek spiritual richness, something that keeps your heart warm and keeps you sane, something that our eyes cannot see. Perhaps when you start focusing on things that you cannot see (eg. love, friendship, faith, security etc), you might see things that eyes can see.. are only mere things.
I hope you’ll find your way soon, keep believing!
i am slowly finding my way on my own.. i hope you can live your dream one day. I’ll be so proud and happy for you. When are you graduating and joining me ha??
halo, you mean we not strings tied to you nimore?? well, i’ve got news for ya sista, there’s no way you’re gonna shake us. nope. we is hunt you down!
*hug* see you on thursday ok? don’t ffk us.
i miss you much. all of you. everything of you. even when you feel unpretty.
i love you all. i m sorry i took yall for granted you can punish me max. hardcore bdsm style.